All by myself

The other day, a friend was telling me that she was considering ending a relationship, but she couldn't imagine what it would be like to be alone again.

That set me thinking about my own chequered past. I have initiated a few break-ups in my life, and I remember that each time, I had relished the prospect of being alone once more. Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that the relationships were not exactly fulfilling, so that I felt I would be better off on my own.

But I think I actually did enjoy my own company, as mystifying as it may seem to some people. Those were times when I ate and shopped alone, and would even rather watch movies alone. I didn't have to accomodate anyone or make compromises - I could do what I like when I felt like it; I didn't have to do anything if I didn't feel like it.

Yet when my friend brought up her reservations about being alone, I knew I won't be able to do it now. Is it the effects of growing older, which this same friend cited for her inability to go on vacations by herself anymore?

I still enjoy being alone once in a while, but the truth is that it is only fun when I know there is someone I can return to at the end of the day. My theory is that when one is young, one is more concerned about living for the moment and less concerned about the future, precisely because the future is not the present. In short, even if there is no one for me now, there is still plenty of time for the right one to appear.

But as one grows older, the gap between the present and the future seems to shrink, and the future becomes ever present, lurking ominously in the here and now. How, then, can I still enjoy being alone with the carefree abandon of my younger days, given the knowledge that every moment I spend alone is one moment fewer for "the one" to appear?

That said, it doesn't mean one should settle for any companion, just for the sake of having company. I think one's own company is still far better than just any old company.

A perfect rainy night

It's a perfect rainy night. I'm warm and snug in my cosy home, watching the show put up by Nature - dark sky, occasional flashes of lightning and rumblings of thunder, and the tide of relentless rain illuminated by the street lamps.

There's something uplifting about seeing the rain pour down ceaselessly - it feels as if the world is being refreshed and made new once more, right before my very eyes. But more than that, there is a sense that the rain is helping to wash away all my fears and worries, filling me with a mix of peace and relief.

And the fact that all this is taking place at night, when the streets are quiet, only makes it that much more romantic and personal, as if it is a private performance put up just for my benefit.

Thank you. I enjoyed that.

Demise of the long phone conversation

It's strange. When I was much younger, I used to spend hours on the phone after school talking to friends. While it was not exactly a daily affair, it occurred regularly enough - two- or three-hour conversations were the norm, especially when it was someone special. In fact, there were times when I talked on the phone through the night.

Yet the irony is that I hardly chat with any of my friends over the phone anymore, even though technological advances have made the mobile phone an almost indispensable part of most people's lives.

I often tell myself it's because I prefer to talk to them face to face. That's true to a certain extent. There's something about talking to someone who is physically with you that makes it more intimate, something that goes beyond the ability to see how a person reacts to you and the things you say.

But more than that, it seems that no time is a good time to call my friends up. There's always something else I have to do or want to do. And this of course brings with it the concomitant fear of catching people at the wrong time, that they may be busy or preoccupied with more pressing matters.

My argument is that as one grows older, there seems to be a corresponding increase in the demands on one's time. There was a time when life for me was just about school and friends. But then it got more complicated, when the demands of love and work set in and brought with them more worries and responsibilities, until there came a time when chatting with or calling my friends always seemed like a bad idea or the last thing on my mind.

All this is not to say I don't enjoy talking to my friends. I do. A lot. But people and circumstances do change. What may be more important then, I feel, is the effort put in to keep the friendship going rather than the means utilised. So my dear friends, please don't be too harsh on me.

Loving pains

Falling in love is the easy part. I've come to realise how true that is. But marriage is a whole different ball game altogether.

There's the home the two of us set up together that has to be maintained. Then we have to adjust to the new environment and learn to live with each other's different living habits, not to mention the friction that inevitably occurs when two people live together in close proximity. We seem to have a knack of getting on each other's nerves at home. Perhaps our differences are magnified by the confines of our living space, to put it mildly. And to top it all off, we've to think about keeping the sparks in our relationship alive. These are mammoth tasks, any of which is enough to put anyone off marriage, I think.

It's not that I'm having second thoughts. I don't regret getting married and setting up a home together with C. In fact, it's great to have a place to call our own. And I love coming home to the man I love. It's just that I sometimes wish this whole process could be more painless or fast forwarded.

I don't doubt that eventually both of us will find or achieve that delicate balance which will allow us to appreciate and enjoy each other's presence in our lives more fully. Neither do I intend to stop working towards getting there. I keep my fingers crossed that C doesn't either.

The young ones

What is it about those idol dramas about youngsters who find love that has teenagers hooked on them? Probably the fact that they can identify with what the characters are thinking and feeling.

What, then, is their attraction for a woman who can only look back on her teenage years with nostalgia? Longing for her lost youth? Perhaps. I must admit I do feel a tinge of envy when I see the characters going through experiences that I have not, and some measure of regret that I would never have the chance to - one is after all, only young once. So maybe you could say I'm hoping to relive my youth vicariously through these characters.

It's funny how when you're young, you're always hoping to grow up, so that you can think and act more maturely and avoid making stupid decisions.

Yet when one is at the age where one feels actually qualified to give advice, given the benefit of hindsight, you look back on the follies of youth not with embarrassment, but with a sense of gratitude, thankful that you had those experiences which prove that you were young once too, that you did not miss out on those angsty years.