I've haven't felt so helpless in a long while. Retail therapy and my daily routine have been comforting and give me a measure of control, but the real problem remains. I'd almost convinced myself that I'd moved on, and it was only recently that I realised I haven't, after all.
For the past half a year or so, I prayed and prayed and told myself to keeping trusting in the Lord; it's the first time since my conversion in 2003 that I felt my faith has been seriously shaken. I was losing faith, much as I hated to admit it.
But today I apologised to Him during mass - I told him I was sorry, and I really meant it. Earlier in the day, I'd already felt the homily during the novena was speaking to me, telling me that as baptised Christians we should not despair. Then came the "message" of the mass: love. And in line with this, the post-Communion hymn was I Love You Lord. Not since before my conversion, when I heard Servant Song, has a hymn moved me so deeply. It reminded me of my baptism, of the commitment I made to love Him, of the love He has lavished on me - things that I tried to tell myself every time I started to doubt Him but somehow failed to really register till then.
I Love You Lord.
REFRAIN:
I love the Lord, He is filled with compassion.
He turned to me on the day that I called.
From the snares of the dark, O, Lord, save my life,
Be my strength.
Gracious is the Lord, and just.
Our God is mercy, rest to the weary.
Return my soul to the Lord our God who bids tears away.
I love the Lord. (REFRAIN)
How can I repay the Lord for all the goodness He has shown me?
I will raise the cup of salvation and call on His name.
I love the Lord. (REFRAIN)
I shall live my vows to You before Your people,
I am Your servant.
I will offer You my sacrifice of praise and of pray'r.
I love the Lord. (REFRAIN)
From the snares of the dark, O, Lord, save my life,
Be my strength.
From the snares of the dark, O, Lord, save my life,
Be my strength…
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Music and Zhang Zhen Yue
Listening to Zhang Zhen Yue's songs now, the memories of his unplugged concert at the Esplanade almost two months ago come flooding back. He has never been one of my favourite singers, so I put it down to a bout of nostalgia when I decided on a rather last-minute whim to attend the concert. After all, I have "witnessed" his transformation from a newbie pop singer to a respected but often controversial rock artiste.
But I must say it was a decision I didn't regret - despite being unfamiliar with his newer songs, it was soothing listening to his trademark love ballads and fun tapping my feet and clapping - sometimes even swaying - to his rock and rap tunes. (It may be an unplugged concert, but it wouldn't be authentic Zhang Zhen Yue if he didn't sneak in a few of his less saccharine numbers!)
Thinking about it now, however, it may not be pure sentimentality that prompted me to turn up for the concert. Ah Yue is a singer with distinctive vocals who warbles with attitude - reminding me somewhat of Rene Liu, who may not have excellent technique but speaks to the listener through her songs, or Guang Liang, whose voice is not fantastic but somehow has a very earnest quality that draws the listener.
Ah Yue's voice is pure, his delivery sincere, and his songs - many of which are composed by him - seldom boring. In fact, I think he is possibly most similar in style to sodagreen's lead singer Qing Feng, of whom I am also quite a fan. It is probably for reasons such as these that Ah Yue has had such considerable staying power in the notoriously fickle Chinese music scene.
But I must say it was a decision I didn't regret - despite being unfamiliar with his newer songs, it was soothing listening to his trademark love ballads and fun tapping my feet and clapping - sometimes even swaying - to his rock and rap tunes. (It may be an unplugged concert, but it wouldn't be authentic Zhang Zhen Yue if he didn't sneak in a few of his less saccharine numbers!)
Thinking about it now, however, it may not be pure sentimentality that prompted me to turn up for the concert. Ah Yue is a singer with distinctive vocals who warbles with attitude - reminding me somewhat of Rene Liu, who may not have excellent technique but speaks to the listener through her songs, or Guang Liang, whose voice is not fantastic but somehow has a very earnest quality that draws the listener.
Ah Yue's voice is pure, his delivery sincere, and his songs - many of which are composed by him - seldom boring. In fact, I think he is possibly most similar in style to sodagreen's lead singer Qing Feng, of whom I am also quite a fan. It is probably for reasons such as these that Ah Yue has had such considerable staying power in the notoriously fickle Chinese music scene.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Road to recovery
It has been a month since I first learnt of the news that I'd lost my baby. I'd wanted to put down my feelings earlier as a way of achieving some form of catharsis, but it was difficult, especially in the first few days, when the emotions were still too raw.
The gynae said the foetus had stopped developing, but he couldn't pinpoint the reason. He said miscarriages are very common during the first trimester - about 1 in 6 pregnancies - and it was most likely due to genetic abnormality of the sperm or egg. That's not exactly very helpful towards getting closure, but it did make me feel slightly better - I think I needed to know that it was not my fault.
The late-night crying whenever I thought of the life that was lost - the life that C and I created - has stopped, and I can talk about the incident calmly in front of family and close friends. But I still feel lost and directionless, as if that which had given my future purpose has been taken away from me. And I struggle to fill the emptiness and meaninglessness left behind - with books, J-dramas and Ebay.
But thankfully, I still have C, my source of strength and comfort during this time. He and I grieve in different ways, but I know he has tried his best to be patient with me. Although this is an experience I would not wish on anyone, I do feel it has actually brought us closer to each other and deepened our relationship.
It will take some more time yet - but I know I will recover from the pain eventually, with the help of God and those who love me.
The gynae said the foetus had stopped developing, but he couldn't pinpoint the reason. He said miscarriages are very common during the first trimester - about 1 in 6 pregnancies - and it was most likely due to genetic abnormality of the sperm or egg. That's not exactly very helpful towards getting closure, but it did make me feel slightly better - I think I needed to know that it was not my fault.
The late-night crying whenever I thought of the life that was lost - the life that C and I created - has stopped, and I can talk about the incident calmly in front of family and close friends. But I still feel lost and directionless, as if that which had given my future purpose has been taken away from me. And I struggle to fill the emptiness and meaninglessness left behind - with books, J-dramas and Ebay.
But thankfully, I still have C, my source of strength and comfort during this time. He and I grieve in different ways, but I know he has tried his best to be patient with me. Although this is an experience I would not wish on anyone, I do feel it has actually brought us closer to each other and deepened our relationship.
It will take some more time yet - but I know I will recover from the pain eventually, with the help of God and those who love me.
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