Road to recovery

It has been a month since I first learnt of the news that I'd lost my baby. I'd wanted to put down my feelings earlier as a way of achieving some form of catharsis, but it was difficult, especially in the first few days, when the emotions were still too raw.

The gynae said the foetus had stopped developing, but he couldn't pinpoint the reason. He said miscarriages are very common during the first trimester - about 1 in 6 pregnancies - and it was most likely due to genetic abnormality of the sperm or egg. That's not exactly very helpful towards getting closure, but it did make me feel slightly better - I think I needed to know that it was not my fault.

The late-night crying whenever I thought of the life that was lost - the life that C and I created - has stopped, and I can talk about the incident calmly in front of family and close friends. But I still feel lost and directionless, as if that which had given my future purpose has been taken away from me. And I struggle to fill the emptiness and meaninglessness left behind - with books, J-dramas and Ebay.

But thankfully, I still have C, my source of strength and comfort during this time. He and I grieve in different ways, but I know he has tried his best to be patient with me. Although this is an experience I would not wish on anyone, I do feel it has actually brought us closer to each other and deepened our relationship.

It will take some more time yet - but I know I will recover from the pain eventually, with the help of God and those who love me.