Hope and despair

I've haven't felt so helpless in a long while. Retail therapy and my daily routine have been comforting and give me a measure of control, but the real problem remains. I'd almost convinced myself that I'd moved on, and it was only recently that I realised I haven't, after all.

For the past half a year or so, I prayed and prayed and told myself to keeping trusting in the Lord; it's the first time since my conversion in 2003 that I felt my faith has been seriously shaken. I was losing faith, much as I hated to admit it.

But today I apologised to Him during mass - I told him I was sorry, and I really meant it. Earlier in the day, I'd already felt the homily during the novena was speaking to me, telling me that as baptised Christians we should not despair. Then came the "message" of the mass: love. And in line with this, the post-Communion hymn was I Love You Lord. Not since before my conversion, when I heard Servant Song, has a hymn moved me so deeply. It reminded me of my baptism, of the commitment I made to love Him, of the love He has lavished on me - things that I tried to tell myself every time I started to doubt Him but somehow failed to really register till then.

I Love You Lord.

REFRAIN:
I love the Lord, He is filled with compassion.
He turned to me on the day that I called.
From the snares of the dark, O, Lord, save my life,
Be my strength.

Gracious is the Lord, and just.
Our God is mercy, rest to the weary.
Return my soul to the Lord our God who bids tears away.
I love the Lord. (REFRAIN)

How can I repay the Lord for all the goodness He has shown me?
I will raise the cup of salvation and call on His name.
I love the Lord. (REFRAIN)

I shall live my vows to You before Your people,
I am Your servant.
I will offer You my sacrifice of praise and of pray'r.
I love the Lord. (REFRAIN)

From the snares of the dark, O, Lord, save my life,
Be my strength.

From the snares of the dark, O, Lord, save my life,
Be my strength…