For my friend X

Perhaps it's appropriate that I pen this now, just when I'm about to embark on a trip to Europe once more.

I just read something an old friend, X, wrote in an e-mail to me. Europe, he said, is not just a piece of geography. It is a place in his heart. I was moved when I saw these words. Indeed, Europe is a magical and special place. It's a place where unique bonds are forged and unforgettable memories are made. It was in Europe, after all, that Y got to know her present husband. And it was in Europe that I felt a certain connection with X.

I tried hard to keep this connection alive and to build on it when we returned from Europe. But perhaps I tried too hard. We drifted apart instead. We did keep in touch, but he was just not there with me when I experienced the most tumultuous period of my life, when there was so much going on in my life. I met a very special bunch of people that year - my Honours classmates - and they really changed my life and opened up new perspectives for me. Much of my thinking now, I believe in retrospect, was shaped during that period. Perhaps X was undergoing his own set of life-changing experiences then too, because I don't think our friendship was ever the same after that.

When both of us became conscious of that and tried to renew our friendship, it just didn't feel the same. Perhaps we were just bogged down by too much old baggage from our shared experiences - maybe we were trying too hard to regain old feelings instead of getting to know each other anew. But then, how does one begin to get to know from scratch someone one thought one knew very well? Easier said than done, I think.

I truly do wish to retain this friendship - but at the same time, I don't want to try too hard. Not because I'm lazy, but because I don't think friendship should be a chore. What I dread is having to make a conscious effort to keep each other updated conscientiously, fervently hoping that something will fall into place somewhere once again. That's an exaggeration no doubt, but that fear is always lurking somewhere at the back of my mind.

So I'll try my best but X, don't be too hard on me. But then, I know you won't get upset with me - we're old friends after all.