All by myself

The other day, a friend was telling me that she was considering ending a relationship, but she couldn't imagine what it would be like to be alone again.

That set me thinking about my own chequered past. I have initiated a few break-ups in my life, and I remember that each time, I had relished the prospect of being alone once more. Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that the relationships were not exactly fulfilling, so that I felt I would be better off on my own.

But I think I actually did enjoy my own company, as mystifying as it may seem to some people. Those were times when I ate and shopped alone, and would even rather watch movies alone. I didn't have to accomodate anyone or make compromises - I could do what I like when I felt like it; I didn't have to do anything if I didn't feel like it.

Yet when my friend brought up her reservations about being alone, I knew I won't be able to do it now. Is it the effects of growing older, which this same friend cited for her inability to go on vacations by herself anymore?

I still enjoy being alone once in a while, but the truth is that it is only fun when I know there is someone I can return to at the end of the day. My theory is that when one is young, one is more concerned about living for the moment and less concerned about the future, precisely because the future is not the present. In short, even if there is no one for me now, there is still plenty of time for the right one to appear.

But as one grows older, the gap between the present and the future seems to shrink, and the future becomes ever present, lurking ominously in the here and now. How, then, can I still enjoy being alone with the carefree abandon of my younger days, given the knowledge that every moment I spend alone is one moment fewer for "the one" to appear?

That said, it doesn't mean one should settle for any companion, just for the sake of having company. I think one's own company is still far better than just any old company.