Death and dying

In the office yesterday, we were on course to calling it a night early when news of the assassination of former Pakistan premier Benazir Bhutto reached us. It caused a major rejig of the pages as we scrambled to put in the reports.

Of course I don't know her personally, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge at the shocking news of her death. I've been seeing her appear in the papers almost every other day in the run-up to the Pakistan elections and even subbed a number of stories written about her, so she's not exactly a total stranger.

The report, combined with the news I received earlier in the day about a former student of mine who died in his sleep on Christmas Day, served to fill my head with thoughts of death and dying. My ex-student was only in Primary Five this year, and he could be considered a "model" student with a strong sense of responsibility. I couldn't imagine how his parents must feel.

Death, when it comes, is swift and sudden for some of us, catching us unawares. Bhutto may have been prepared to risk death when she returned to Pakistan, but surely my ex-student could not have known that he would go to sleep without waking up the next day. And what regrets, if any, would they have?

I hope that my death, when it comes, will be swift and painless. Like them, I may not know in advance when the day arrives, but I do know that although I will feel upset at having to be separated from my loved ones and sad over tasks left unaccomplished or unfinished, I will leave with no regrets, because I have loved and been loved.

On relationships

Some time ago, a friend asked me some questions on love and relationships that got me to thinking about the key to lasting relationships. How does one know that one has already found The One or that no one better will come along? Or is there even The One to begin with?

I used to want to believe in this idea of a perfect soulmate, but over the years I have become more ambivalent. We all hope to find someone with whom we can click or connect with instantly, whom we feel can look into the depths of our soul. But the reality may be that even if we do manage to find this special person, we may not end up together.

Whether or not two people who are attracted to each other eventually end up together, I think, is dependent upon a confluence of factors such as whether both parties are able to communicate with each other, commit to each other, and can see themselves with each other.

Once the special someone is found, I think one needs to make a conscious decision to commit to that person. I used to believe when I was younger that love conquers all, that true love should be able to withstand all tests. But I have since come to realise that man is by nature imperfect, and even what is considered the truest love can be and must be vulnerable. Thus it is folly, I feel, to court temptation or attempt to put a relationship one truly values to the test. One should instead seek to avoid situations where either party may be tempted to stray, to the best of one's ability.

Finding love isn't easy. Keeping it, arduous.

Post-Europe thoughts

I've heard that one invariably ends up feeling a little disappointed when one revisits a memorable destination, so it was not without apprehension that I embarked on my second trip to Europe, a journey intended in great part to address my sense of regret at being unable to properly take in the Scottish highlands due to a lack of time the first time I was there.

It is true the immense excitement I felt at being surrounded by the sights and sounds of London or Lucerne the last time was absent.

But, free from an anxiety to take in as much as I could that I experienced back then, I felt that I was able to soak in more of the sights this time.

And it's not only the magnificent ruins of the Tintern Abbey, the bright lights of the Eiffel Tower or the snow-capped peaks of the Jungfrau region that I remember fondly; the people I encountered along the way left an impression too.

The Chinese student we met in Bath who hopes to settle down in Britain with his family, the mildly eccentric David who runs the guesthouse in Windermere, the humorous and ever helpful Scott who saved us a long walk to the bus station in Fort William, the waitress who went out of her way at a restaurant in Berne where we had our first taste of cheese fondue and even the friendly and cute waiter at a cafe along Paris' Champs Elysees.

Then of course, there's my inimitable travel companion C, whom I sent to check out the shower each time we entered a foreign bathroom and without whose valuable map-reading skills I would be hopelessly lost. We had our fair share of disagreements and flare-ups along the way, but I'd like to think we're shaping up to become the best travel mates ever.

Still, without a doubt, what I most relish is being able to say with satisfaction that yes, I conquered Ben Nevis - Britain's tallest mountain, albeit in about eight hours. And yes, Isle of Skye is so much more than Kyleakin or the Skye Bridge.

For my friend X

Perhaps it's appropriate that I pen this now, just when I'm about to embark on a trip to Europe once more.

I just read something an old friend, X, wrote in an e-mail to me. Europe, he said, is not just a piece of geography. It is a place in his heart. I was moved when I saw these words. Indeed, Europe is a magical and special place. It's a place where unique bonds are forged and unforgettable memories are made. It was in Europe, after all, that Y got to know her present husband. And it was in Europe that I felt a certain connection with X.

I tried hard to keep this connection alive and to build on it when we returned from Europe. But perhaps I tried too hard. We drifted apart instead. We did keep in touch, but he was just not there with me when I experienced the most tumultuous period of my life, when there was so much going on in my life. I met a very special bunch of people that year - my Honours classmates - and they really changed my life and opened up new perspectives for me. Much of my thinking now, I believe in retrospect, was shaped during that period. Perhaps X was undergoing his own set of life-changing experiences then too, because I don't think our friendship was ever the same after that.

When both of us became conscious of that and tried to renew our friendship, it just didn't feel the same. Perhaps we were just bogged down by too much old baggage from our shared experiences - maybe we were trying too hard to regain old feelings instead of getting to know each other anew. But then, how does one begin to get to know from scratch someone one thought one knew very well? Easier said than done, I think.

I truly do wish to retain this friendship - but at the same time, I don't want to try too hard. Not because I'm lazy, but because I don't think friendship should be a chore. What I dread is having to make a conscious effort to keep each other updated conscientiously, fervently hoping that something will fall into place somewhere once again. That's an exaggeration no doubt, but that fear is always lurking somewhere at the back of my mind.

So I'll try my best but X, don't be too hard on me. But then, I know you won't get upset with me - we're old friends after all.

Harry Potter (controlled) mania

The world has been gripped by Harry Potter fever over the last week as the final instalment in the series was released.

I've never considered myself a die-hard fan, but I dutifully placed my order for the Deathly Hallows just days before its release. On the day the book hit the shelves, I didn't rush down to Borders first thing in the morning even though I had to work later in the day. But what I did do was to make a special trip down to the store during dinner time to collect my order - something that didn't pass without comment from C, who wondered why I couldn't wait another day to pick up the book.

In the days that followed, I didn't cut myself off from civilisation or sacrifice my sleep time (or at least, not much of it), but I did make it a point not to schedule any appointments, and used whatever time I could find to read the book, even bringing it to the office so that I could sneak in one or two chapters after my work was done for the day, until I finally completed the 600-plus pages on the 5th day after my purchase.

For non-fans like C, I probably count as some sort of obsessed fan, but I'm positive that in the eyes of the hardcore fans, what I did was hardly worth mentioning. They would in all likelihood have shut themselves up somewhere and devoured the book in a day or less.

So where does that leave me? I guess I would consider my symptoms some form of controlled mania. I wouldn't call it the full-blown kind for two reasons. First, of course, I didn't go with the flow entirely. Second, I was fully conscious of the decision I made to allow myself to take up the Harry Potter "project".

It's been a long time since I last got caught up in any activity or project. Those days when I obsessed over NKOTB, or built my thesis from scratch are over. But I do miss the rush that comes from actively pursuing some project, getting caught up in the heat of things, especially if it comes without the self-conscious reflexivity that can be such a dampener.

I can't help noticing the farcicality of it all, but the least I can do is to attempt to deceive myself into pretending that it matters and taking it seriously - hence the controlled nature of my Harry Potter mania.

And just for the record - I enjoyed myself.

A day in the life of a model

I'm sure many brides get all excited about their bridal shoot, but I was not one of them. I didn't bother to check out potential locations for the outdoor shoot. I didn't lug along bags of clothes, shoes, accessories or cute knick-knacks. I didn't even have my manicure and pedicure. In short, you could say I was rather blase about it.

But I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive on the day itself. After all, I didn't have a photogenic face, unlike my sister, or a great smile, like C. Luckily, I have a good photographer -Y was funny, reassuring and encouraging.

Gradually, I gained in confidence and began to revel in the novelty of the experience as I tried to follow Y's instructions - sit up straight, shoulders relaxed; occupy your hands; don't tilt your face too high or too low etc. After all, it's not every day that one gets to lead the life of a model. In fact, there were even moments when I nearly forgot myself and could say I almost knew what it was like to be a model.

Posing in front of the camera is fun, but it can get tiring after a while, especially if it involves trying to look cool or loving under hot and humid conditions. Still, I enjoyed every bit of the shoot. Indeed, thanks to this valuable experience, I've corrected some of the misconceptions that I had and gained newfound respect for the work that models do. 10 poses in 10 seconds, anyone?

The search is over

Yes, I've found a photographer for my wedding day. When every single photographer I emailed replied to say he was already booked for the day, I became so fed-up I decided to call instead. And I hit the jackpot on my first try - E was still available!

We met, and he revealed that someone had sort of "booked" him for our date but never got back to him after that, probably because she had found someone else.

And it turns out that he's a Catholic too. Well, it may not mean anything to anyone else, but I saw that as a sign from God that He's been looking out for us. Don't get me wrong - I didn't sign up with E for religious reasons; I truly think his skills are good. But things happen for a reason. Though E wasn't my first choice, I believe there is a reason why God "saved" him for us. And I shall leave it at that.

Elusive search for a wedding day photographer

I don't even remember the last time I've been rejected so many times. Practically every photographer I've approached - the good and the not-so-fantastic - has claimed to be unavailable on my wedding day. Indeed, I've come a long way since the time I said to C that it doesn't matter even if we don't engage a photographer to cover our wedding. In my defence, I was thinking of those photographs of the contrived and cringe-worthy "pose-and-say cheese" variety then, which I still believe I can well do without.

But I've since come to the realisation that I do wish to have something with which to remember the most important day of my life, when I say "I do" to the man I love in front of the God I love. I want to have something that I'd enjoy taking out every now and then, something that will take me back to those memories every time I look at it, so what better than photographs?

Videos won't cut it for me - they say far too much, leaving nothing to the imagination. I'm looking for something that will evoke that special day, not masquerade as that special day. I don't need to have every scene of that day replayed in every minute detail for me; what I want instead is for my mind to be allowed to take flight and indulge in the process of recollection - an activity which could very well be as pleasurable as the contents of that recollection themselves.

So the search continues. But when God closes a door, He opens a window. So I'll keep the faith.

An unexpected act of kindness

A few days ago, I boarded the bus only to find that my ez-link card was out of cash and I was out of coins. The fare was $1.10, so I took out my $2 note and started looking around for someone I could ask for change.

The nearest passenger - an old Chinese woman - shook her head at me before I could even finish asking my question. So I approached the passenger sitting behind her - a Malay woman with three or four kids in tow. She took out her wallet, emptied out her coins, then asked me how much I needed for my fare. "$1.10," I told her, thinking that she wanted to know which denominations to give to me. Instead, she gave me $1.10 exactly. I looked at her almost in bewilderment, but she just said simply, "It's ok." Only then did it dawn on me - she was giving me the $1.10 for my fare! I was quite stunned; I don't even remember the last time I was at the receiving end of an act of kindness from a complete stranger. I thanked her profusely and proceeded to pay my fare.

When I turned round to find a seat, I was greeted by a middle-aged Chinese man and woman who simultaneously offered me change for the $2 note that I was still clutching. I accepted change from the woman, then returned the money to the Malay woman, but I could not help feeling a little disappointed.

No, it's not that I didn't want to return the money to the Malay woman, but I just felt that by so doing, I had somehow diminished the magnitude of her kind act in some way. That act of kindness from one fellow human being to another was unconditional and undiscriminating - something precious and valuable in an increasingly selfish and materialistic world.

Preparing for marriage

I recently attended a marriage preparation course for Catholic couples religiously for six weeks in order to obtain a certificate that allows me to get married in church. I must admit I'm quite glad it's over, as it has been quite an intensive experience, but that's not to say that I didn't enjoy it or benefit from it.

The notion of preparing for marriage must strike some people as being rather strange, as opposed to the idea of preparing for one's wedding, which would hardly raise an eyebrow. I think many people still hold the belief that when two people in love decide to get married, they must be adequately prepared in some way or other already. But I think the life-changing experience that is to come is hardly something that most dating couples can comprehend, hence the need for marriage preparation.

Although many things that were said during the course were not exactly new to me, such as the need for communication or the need to make time for each other, the opportunity to learn vicariously through the experiences of other married couples or fellow dating couples was something that I found valuable.

The course also served to remind me that couples should not take each other for granted. It is so easy to become careless in considering the feelings of one's other half, to neglect to accord to one's partner the respect he or she deserves over time that one more reminder is never one too many.

The road to marital bliss will never be a smooth one. But if couples treat each other with respect and take the time to communicate with each other, then this road will definitely make for the most enjoyable ride of a lifetime.

Europe here I come!

My life has been a whirlwind of activity lately - not least because I've been spending hours on the laptop, labouring over the itinerary for my forthcoming trip to Britain, Paris and Switzerland, sometimes even staying up just so that I can work on finding the best value-for-money accomodation or check out various sights and attractions.

The experience has not been wholly enjoyable. Many times, I've wondered - like C does - why I'm racking my brains and sacrificing my sleep when I could just take my pick from the range of packages offered by travel agencies. True, they may not be customised to my preferences, but surely that's a small compromise to make in exchange for the convenience?

But I've soldiered on, telling myself that the rewards will come on the trip. Every trip is transformed into an adventure with the knowledge that one is completely on one's own, free to decide when and where to go or stay and for how long, as well as the opportunity to veer off the beaten track.

The experience of going on a self-planned vacation can be truly liberating and exciting - it makes one feel that one is really taking a break from the confines of routine and the grind of daily life. That is the whole point of going on a holiday, isn't it?

Why I am a Catholic

I think some of my friends were surprised when I converted to Catholicism four years ago. Even as recently as a couple of days ago, one of them asked me why I became a Catholic, saying that he never knew the reason for my decision.

I'm always reluctant to tell people why I decided to become a Catholic, not because I don't wish to share with them my experience. It's just that I feel whatever I say will not only fail to capture the reality of how I feel but, worse, will inevitably sound trite to the other party.

But if I have to say something, I guess I would say that it was gradually becoming clear to me then that God was never far from everything that had happened to me. I believe everything happens for a reason. I may not understand the reasons, but I was certain that God had His reasons, that even when things didn't go my way, God was taking care of me. It's not that I never knew that before, but there is always a gap between knowledge and reality. I believe it was God's grace that allowed me to see the knowledge as reality, to experience it rather than merely to know it.

When I came across Psalm 139 - "Oh God you have searched me and you know me" - where David dwells on God's intimate knowledge of him, I was intensely moved, and it brought me to the realisation that God could well be the soulmate I was searching for. After all, isn't everyone looking for someone who really understands them?

And when it comes to soulmates, isn't God the perfect One? He may not do it deliberately, but imperfect Man is perfectly capable of letting one down when one is in need. Everyone can be there for me sometimes. But God is the only one who will be there for me all of the time.

For me, then, the decision to become a Catholic can be described as a decision to commit to the One whom I know loves me, takes care of me and will always be there for me.

All by myself

The other day, a friend was telling me that she was considering ending a relationship, but she couldn't imagine what it would be like to be alone again.

That set me thinking about my own chequered past. I have initiated a few break-ups in my life, and I remember that each time, I had relished the prospect of being alone once more. Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that the relationships were not exactly fulfilling, so that I felt I would be better off on my own.

But I think I actually did enjoy my own company, as mystifying as it may seem to some people. Those were times when I ate and shopped alone, and would even rather watch movies alone. I didn't have to accomodate anyone or make compromises - I could do what I like when I felt like it; I didn't have to do anything if I didn't feel like it.

Yet when my friend brought up her reservations about being alone, I knew I won't be able to do it now. Is it the effects of growing older, which this same friend cited for her inability to go on vacations by herself anymore?

I still enjoy being alone once in a while, but the truth is that it is only fun when I know there is someone I can return to at the end of the day. My theory is that when one is young, one is more concerned about living for the moment and less concerned about the future, precisely because the future is not the present. In short, even if there is no one for me now, there is still plenty of time for the right one to appear.

But as one grows older, the gap between the present and the future seems to shrink, and the future becomes ever present, lurking ominously in the here and now. How, then, can I still enjoy being alone with the carefree abandon of my younger days, given the knowledge that every moment I spend alone is one moment fewer for "the one" to appear?

That said, it doesn't mean one should settle for any companion, just for the sake of having company. I think one's own company is still far better than just any old company.

A perfect rainy night

It's a perfect rainy night. I'm warm and snug in my cosy home, watching the show put up by Nature - dark sky, occasional flashes of lightning and rumblings of thunder, and the tide of relentless rain illuminated by the street lamps.

There's something uplifting about seeing the rain pour down ceaselessly - it feels as if the world is being refreshed and made new once more, right before my very eyes. But more than that, there is a sense that the rain is helping to wash away all my fears and worries, filling me with a mix of peace and relief.

And the fact that all this is taking place at night, when the streets are quiet, only makes it that much more romantic and personal, as if it is a private performance put up just for my benefit.

Thank you. I enjoyed that.

Demise of the long phone conversation

It's strange. When I was much younger, I used to spend hours on the phone after school talking to friends. While it was not exactly a daily affair, it occurred regularly enough - two- or three-hour conversations were the norm, especially when it was someone special. In fact, there were times when I talked on the phone through the night.

Yet the irony is that I hardly chat with any of my friends over the phone anymore, even though technological advances have made the mobile phone an almost indispensable part of most people's lives.

I often tell myself it's because I prefer to talk to them face to face. That's true to a certain extent. There's something about talking to someone who is physically with you that makes it more intimate, something that goes beyond the ability to see how a person reacts to you and the things you say.

But more than that, it seems that no time is a good time to call my friends up. There's always something else I have to do or want to do. And this of course brings with it the concomitant fear of catching people at the wrong time, that they may be busy or preoccupied with more pressing matters.

My argument is that as one grows older, there seems to be a corresponding increase in the demands on one's time. There was a time when life for me was just about school and friends. But then it got more complicated, when the demands of love and work set in and brought with them more worries and responsibilities, until there came a time when chatting with or calling my friends always seemed like a bad idea or the last thing on my mind.

All this is not to say I don't enjoy talking to my friends. I do. A lot. But people and circumstances do change. What may be more important then, I feel, is the effort put in to keep the friendship going rather than the means utilised. So my dear friends, please don't be too harsh on me.

Loving pains

Falling in love is the easy part. I've come to realise how true that is. But marriage is a whole different ball game altogether.

There's the home the two of us set up together that has to be maintained. Then we have to adjust to the new environment and learn to live with each other's different living habits, not to mention the friction that inevitably occurs when two people live together in close proximity. We seem to have a knack of getting on each other's nerves at home. Perhaps our differences are magnified by the confines of our living space, to put it mildly. And to top it all off, we've to think about keeping the sparks in our relationship alive. These are mammoth tasks, any of which is enough to put anyone off marriage, I think.

It's not that I'm having second thoughts. I don't regret getting married and setting up a home together with C. In fact, it's great to have a place to call our own. And I love coming home to the man I love. It's just that I sometimes wish this whole process could be more painless or fast forwarded.

I don't doubt that eventually both of us will find or achieve that delicate balance which will allow us to appreciate and enjoy each other's presence in our lives more fully. Neither do I intend to stop working towards getting there. I keep my fingers crossed that C doesn't either.

The young ones

What is it about those idol dramas about youngsters who find love that has teenagers hooked on them? Probably the fact that they can identify with what the characters are thinking and feeling.

What, then, is their attraction for a woman who can only look back on her teenage years with nostalgia? Longing for her lost youth? Perhaps. I must admit I do feel a tinge of envy when I see the characters going through experiences that I have not, and some measure of regret that I would never have the chance to - one is after all, only young once. So maybe you could say I'm hoping to relive my youth vicariously through these characters.

It's funny how when you're young, you're always hoping to grow up, so that you can think and act more maturely and avoid making stupid decisions.

Yet when one is at the age where one feels actually qualified to give advice, given the benefit of hindsight, you look back on the follies of youth not with embarrassment, but with a sense of gratitude, thankful that you had those experiences which prove that you were young once too, that you did not miss out on those angsty years.

Musings of a legless bird

One of Wong Kar Wai's movie characters mentioned the idea of a legless bird and somehow the notion has stuck with me since.

A bird without any legs is condemned to fly forever, unable and perhaps unwilling to stop, to pause, to reflect. Afraid that once it stops, doubts and discontent would creep in. The malaise would then grow, and plunge the helpless bird into the depths of dark despair.

But love may prove to be the cure yet for this afflicted bird. Love could be its anchor, allowing it to slow down and even stop.

Yet it remains fearful even in its happiness, afraid that the desire to flee will take hold of it again one day, that it will give up the life that it has strived so hard to build, that it will end up on its lonely and ultimately empty flight into nothingness once more.

Never thought I'd be blogging...

I used to keep a diary when I was younger but I thought I'd outgrown that. But recently, after reading a blog by one of my former colleagues, I was kinda "inspired" to start one. It's not that her blog was the best I'd ever read. Neither is it narcissism nor hedonism, as my brother suggested. Or at least I'd like to think so...

Maybe it's the desire to not live out my life as some kind of mindless automata, driven by the exigencies of life. Maybe it's the desire to force myself to think, to force myself to examine the choices and decisions I make more closely. Maybe it's the desire to force myself to look at this world that God created more closely. Maybe it's simply the desire to appreciate the sheer joy of being alive. Maybe it's all of the above.